Corrupted Beauty Standards

I’m putting myself on display here. This is a list of all of my features that people have said are ‘not good enough’, have been ridiculed or I have been told should change.

My eyes: they are too ‘squinty’ or not big enough. My nose: It’s ‘too big’ and ‘unproportionate’ to the rest of my face. My skin: It’s not clear enough, I ‘really should wear makeup’. My face: It’s ‘too round’ or ‘too chubby’. My boobs: are not big enough. My bum: is too big. My thighs: are ‘too stumpy’ because I am so short. My height: I’m too small ‘only 5ft 1’ My feet: are too small and ‘look like they haven’t formed properly’. My hands: see above. My teeth: aren’t white enough and ‘getting wonky again’. My lips: are too thin, no upper lip, I should ‘get injections’.

Every single feature of mine has been picked apart and I’ve been made to feel like everything about me is worthless. None of these supposed flaws came from my own head. I never thought anything was wrong with me. I didn’t think anything was wrong with anyone. I just saw us all as human beings that looked different from each other, and if everyone looks different than either everyone is perfect, or no-one is. There can’t be a societal ideal when everyone is an individual. People have put these ideas and doubts inside my head, stitched them into my subconscious to make sure I don’t forget that I’m wrong. These comments don’t just come from the old school bully, they come from my family too, so these comments have become inescapable.

These are parts of my body that I once loved and am trying to love again, but I think the damage may already be done; the seed is already planted, the software is already corrupted. These features I took no notice of until they were pointed out to me and I was told that they didn’t match up to societies standard. I used to see no flaw in my feet or my hands, but now that’s all I see when I look at them. I used to love my big bum and my small boobs until I was told that they were excess and a lack of. I used to love my eyes, the colour, the shape until I was told not to. I used to accept my facial flaws until I was bullied into wearing makeup to hide it. I never used to notice my nose until it was repeatedly pointed out to me. I didn’t know that lips were meant to be big to be considered beautiful, I thought they were just lips. I didn’t know a specific height was preferred to another, literally something we have NO control over. I never used to see myself as my weight but now that’s all I see. What society deems as beautiful changes every few years, so why change myself for the now? The fact that it’s in flux all the time just shows there’s no real definition because everyone should see themselves as beautiful creatures.

None of this used to matter to me. I was just myself, interested in my studies, my books, my TV shows, my films, my theatre, the things that make me, me. I have lost friends because they were so centred around their self-image that nothing mattered more to them than losing the weight, getting the makeup perfect and having the hair. Friendship didn’t matter to them if it was tarnishing their image and reputation. I used to see people as the things they loved, the jobs they did, the way they spoke, their passions, their fears, themselves; not the features they acquired through their parents’ genes.

Now here is a list of things I have no control over without surgery, things born to me: My eyes, my nose, my skin, my face, my boobs, my bum, my height, my feet, my hands, my lips, my teeth. Literally everything aside from weight are things I have no control over unless I want to modify my entire self. And even down to my weight, I'm happy. I love my curves and am comfortable in my own kin, why would someone want to take that confidence from me? I don’t want to be consumed with the idea of ‘I must lose weight’ because that leads to dangerous territory, and I would much rather focus my energy on something productive.

None of this mattered until I was repeatedly told these features weren’t good enough, told to change, told that for society to accept me I had to have these specific features to be considered ‘pretty’. It’s ridiculous that only once they were pointed out to me was when I deemed it a flaw. I believe that the people who did and are doing this to me, are so wrapped up in their image, so self-conscious of themselves they have to tear other people apart who are just getting along with their life, unbothered by their physical attributes. They need to feel good about something, so they make out other people are worse than them to gain some sort of superiority. It’s pathetic.

I was never one to want to wear make-up until I felt forced to. I was never one to care about all the new facial creams until I felt forced to. I was never one to care about my weight, in fact, my cousins and I used to have competitions to see whose belly could form the most rolls (I miss those days). I would rather focus my energy on my writing or acting or filmmaking or analysing books/TV/film or writing essays or reading than having to spend energy worrying about what I look like. When did such stress get put on this? I want everyone to see each other as who they are, not what they look like. I used to, and I want to get back to that stage.