'This will be my year'- will it?

'This year will be my year,' I've said every year since 2015. I started Sixth Form at the end of 2014. My two years there, plus my three University years have been the biggest in terms of self-reflection and improvement, hence I always start the year with that optimistic phrase many others adorn. It was 2016 when I started writing a diary, organising my time and documenting every single day. 2017 and 2018 I kept up this new-found tradition, leading us to this year, 2019. Taking the time to write the events of every day over the years, I've always had it in my mind that 'this diary' will be the documentation of my perfect year. Surprise, that's not happened. Perfect is a goal you set for yourself, it's not an objective prospect, but by my own ideas and standard, I haven't hit perfect yet.

I have always said 'this will be my year', and while the past five years have been filled with many accomplishments (high grades in A-levels, mini-adventures, getting into my first choice university) they haven't been 'my year'. If I'm being honest, and adhering to my standards, they were average at best.

2019 is different. It feels different, and it has been different since we leapt into it. My organiser for 2019 has a few pages at the beginning that allow you to write a review of your 2018, your vision of 2019 (how will you look/feel, where will you be, what do you want for the year etc) and different new years resolutions. So when I started this diary already thinking about what last year was like and what I want to change for the year ahead, as well as all I want to accomplish, I was already starting the year with a positive outlook. Possibly why 2019 felt different from the offset.

The first seven days of January were spent revising for an exam I had on the 8th. I took the exam and a week later learned I had gotten a first. I filmed two videos: a roundup of my 2018 memories and a Christmas presents haul video, and I uploaded a few poems to my poetry Instagram. One of my biggest resolutions this year is to read more. I adore books. So much so that everyone compared me to Matilda when I was younger, but it's one thing I always let slip through the cracks in daily life. In January, however? I had managed to read four books. I was back to University by the 17th. Back to a schedule and the beginning of the last 12 week stretch of my final Uni year. Finally, I saw two theatre shows: Motown the Musical and The Cane. In 30 days I was writing and reading more than ever, and was sparked with a new lease of optimism, (from my first) productivity, (from my projects and reading) excitement, (from University starting)and enthusiasm (from getting out of the house to do what I love- theatre). It's safe to say that from all the positives that January brought, my year was off to a brilliant start.

February was even better. Kicking off with my sister's and mum surprised me with a New York trip booked for November as a 21st birthday present. I got amazing feedback from my prologue, chapter one and two extracts that I presented during my novel-writing workshop. Which gave me the motivation to continue, plus faith that my novel idea, and execution in writing, was something viable and good. I had a slight sickness bug during one weekend of February but bounced back fairly quickly which I am grateful for. My nephew's birthday rolled around and the family gathered to have a delicious meal at Brewers Fayre. Finally, my friend and I went on a London Eye River cruise as well as the London Eye on the 16th. It was another month of productivity, this time on my novel writing, elation for New York, and some lovely social outings with friends and family.

March, oh March. On the 1st I had an assignment due for one of my modules (which I got a first on too). On the 2nd, my friend and I booked a holiday for a week in Portugal. Katie's never been out of the country before, and I've never travelled without my family, so this is a frightening but exciting adventure for the two of us and I cannot wait. I had another coursework assignment on the 11th, grade waiting to be confirmed. Finally, my niece's birthday rolled around and the family gathered again for a fantastic meal at TGI Friday's.

I don't want to prejudge the rest of the year by the first three months, I don't want to jinx anything, but I hope that this is telling of how the rest of the year is going to be. I have a summer holiday booked with my best friend, I am finishing my three-year adventure at University, my 21st Birthday is around the corner, my graduation follows shortly after, I'm hoping to travel more in the summer, get a writing job, finish my novel, work on more projects and visit New York- the place I've been dreaming of seeing for years.

I want this blog post to serve as a reminder to myself. To remember that great things take time, great years are made, not born, and to always greet everything with optimism. I can be a rather cynical and pessimistic person at times, but one thing I've never failed at is telling myself, 'this is going to be my year' and after some average years and some awful years, 2019 (so far) has been phenomenal. Maybe it won't seem that way to an outsider looking in. Maybe these things are trivial or small to other people. But I started this post by saying that perfect is subjective and I stand by that. MY 2019 is looking perfect to ME, and that's what counts.

I wish 16-year-old me could read this. To catch a glimpse of what 20-year-old me is up to this year. All the hope I have for the future that young me didn't because she was too scared. All the excitement I feel for working in a creative field. All the plans I have that I'm desperate to set into action. Young Bobbie had nothing but dreams she was told wouldn't come true, and while I'm still a girl with a head full of dreams, I have something 16-year-old me lacked, determination and optimism that everything will be fine. I've allowed things to fall out of my life that should never have been there. I've welcomed the change. I've kept my head in the clouds while keeping my feet firmly on the floor to make the steps, plans and choices I've had to in the present.

I'm getting out of the house more (something I've struggled with). Meeting up with family.

Getting excited for the first time in three years for, not one, but two holiday countdowns.

I'm allowing myself to feel proud of my firsts, my coursework and obtaining a degree I know I've worked so hard for.

I'm excited for opportunities to come, not scared of them anymore.

I can see the limitless of the future and what it holds for me, I'm not clouded by fog anymore.

The first three months of 2019 have been amazing. If this continues, I'll be glad to say that 2019 has been 'my year'.

Signing off,

Bobbie May Corleys x

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